Be Warned

A personal blog about Persistent Depressive Disorder

My beacon

My rock, my light and my way home. I’m talking about my husband. I sometimes believe I’m darkness with just a few drops of light mixed in. My husband is light with just a few drops of darkness mixed in. Nobody can be all light or all darkness, but he sure comes close.

Today we went swimming with friends, we were relaxed and happy. He amazed me with all of his light, the reflection of the sun in the water had no part in this. His eyes can give me the feeling I stepped out of a very dark and cold cave, directly into the sunlight.

When I’m at my worst and feel like the darkness is swallowing me whole, I look at him. Always by my side and always lighting the way for me to get back to the light. I do feel guilty sometimes, it can’t be easy to always feel like you have to be the light. This is why I am working so hard to keep the darkness on it’s leash and give the light within me a chance to grow. In the rare moments I do get to be his light, I see the way he looks at me. Like he’s seeing me for the first time in a long time and in a way he is.

Next week we’re going on a vacation together with his beautiful baby girl, who yells at me when I call her ‘baby’ (she’s 8-and-three-quarters). I worry about bringing to much darkness in my luggage and not enough light. This in turn makes me lie in my bed awake or write blogposts at 3 AM while I should be sleeping. The obvious answer is; stop stressing, because it’s not bringing you anything.

While I’m working on controlling my darkness or turning it into light or banishing it or whatever it is I’m doing exactly, I’ll also try to find the peace to stop stressing about things.

My dearest husband, I know you’ll be reading this because you care. You are so completely amazing, you take my breath away. I love you more than the world.




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