Be Warned

A personal blog about Persistent Depressive Disorder

Panic attacks

My breathing starts to speed up. I have the feeling something is chasing me. My heart rate goes up as well, so much so that I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. A full-blown panic attack washes over me.

I usually climb into bed, grab my husband on my way up and ride out the attack. By the time my breathing and heart rate slow down a bit, I notice the ache in my body. All my muscles have tensed up, some of them have been in spasm during the panic attack. I absolutely hate feeling this weak and powerless. It is one of the worst feelings in the world and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

The day after my body still aches and I still feel uneasy and restless. Like there is still something lurking at me from the shadows, my own personal demon. There is nothing I can do to get rid of both the panic attack and the uneasy feeling the day after. All I can do is try to get through the day like normal and control my breathing.

I only recently learned how much I mess up my breathing sometimes. My asthma / COPD probably doesn’t help and the fact that I still did not completely give up smoking is just plain stupid.

When the panic attack happens I feel so completely helpless, not even able to control myself in that moment. Sometimes it feels like my darkness is escaping, finding a way out. Luckily until now the attacks only have happened at home, so no spectators to this horrible scene of crying, gasping for air and sometimes screaming.

The coolest part of having panic attacks?

“Fear of a panic attack or recalling a panic attack can result in another attack.”

For the more nerdy among us: If you think about the game, you lose the game.



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