Be Warned

A personal blog about Persistent Depressive Disorder

Fatigue

Do you know that feeling of being totally refreshed and energised after a good night’s sleep? Lucky you, because I don’t. Being fatigued is not just being tired or not having had enough sleep for a couple of nights. Being fatigued feels more like something sucked all the energy right out of you and whatever you do won’t fix it. Resting, relaxing, sleeping, eating healthy, going for a run, nothing will help.

I can sleep for three hours and wake up feeling like I slept for three hours 😉 I can sleep for eight or twelve hours and still feel like I only slept for three. I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling ready for the day ahead. I do remember being 14 or 15 years old and already feeling this way. Like a night’s sleep is never enough, it is never a way to actually become rested.

It’s extremely frustrating, going to bed feeling tired and knowing I will wake up feeling the exact same way. This makes the process of going to bed quite the challenge. It’s not exactly helpful, but I’ll start to wonder: ‘Why should I go to bed (at a decent time)? I’ll still wake up feeling like shit.’ Of course when I sleep enough during the night, I will feel better during the day and I will not run out of energy as quickly. I have a job and responsibilities so I try to be as well rested and on time as I am able to manage. Some day I just manage it better than others.

I do wish that once a week I would wake up with the energy to get out of bed, into the shower and make the most of my day. One day a week to be the person I so often feel I was meant to be, but never get to be. One day a week to be the wife, the stepmother and the friend I know I could be.

Hopefully we’ll get this thing under control and I’ll get my one day a week. I dare to dream it might even be more than one day a week.

Love,
Suus

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