Nights are very often the worst time of ‘day’ for me. After an exciting, tiring, busy and even after a good day you’re in bed with no distractions. This is when my mind starts racing and goes completely off the track, spin out and all.
Even if I feel this happening there is usually nothing I can do. I do not have the tools yet to cope with this. It can feel like there is a tidal wave of blackness, darkness and sadness crashing down on you. The only thing to do is pray to whoever or whatever that you will not drown. I am not exactly a religious person, but I do believe in something bigger than myself. So I hold on and ride out the storm hoping I will still be there when it is over.
There is no way I can explain this to someone who hasn’t been absolutely consumed by one emotion. It’s like a drop of ink in an huge amount of water (blood would work too, but that’s depressing!). From the moment the sadness hits, you feel it spreading like that drop of ink. Before you fully realise it the sadness is everywhere and there is nothing you can do anymore. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. Even when you’re surrounded by family, friends and loved ones at that moment you feel completely alone.
I would love to write more, but the words struggle to come out. Also I need to sleep.
Love,
Suus