So many things are happening, I want to blog about all of them. Most important things first; I am in mourning.
Back issues made me unable to do a lot of things I wanted to do and now I have my Asthma and COPD preventing me to live my life fully. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER be completely functional. I will NEVER be able to run around like the overly active person I am and not pay the price afterwards. I will NEVER have a child.* I will NEVER be able to go out riding with my horse for as long as I choose. I will ALWAYS be bound by the limitations of my own body.
So I mourn. I cry for the things that should have been, but will never be. I cry for the part me I will always have to deny things. I cry for the lost dreams, the would haves / could haves / should haves. I cry for my husband who sees some of his dreams go up in smoke as well. I cry for my daughter that will not have the stepmom I feel she deserves.
I mourn, I cry. In part because in trying to get this Asthma thing under control I’m stuffing my longs with corticosteroids, a hormone, which does not help all the feelings. Mostly however, because it just really REALLY SUCKS. Oh, and because I really don’t know how to deal with it. With my back I at least figured out the manual for the biggest part. The lung-thing is all new and seems to be different for everyone. Then there is that feeling someone just sandpapered the inside of your lungs and every breath feels like you’re inhaling needles.
It’ll take some time adjusting.
* I do not have a child of my own, but I have a stepdaughter that I adore and who adores me. She’ll always say ‘Mom, Dad and Suus’ when she talks about her ‘parents’. So I’m blessed, I know that! Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have loved to make a monkey myself 😉