I’m in my car, calling a friend. She’s not picking up, after a while I hear that thing that happens when you get transferred to voicemail so I hang up.
I’m crying, I’m hurting so I call the next friend.. beeeeep beeeeep beee-eeep; voicemail is imminent so I hang up.
I repeat this proces.. 2, 3, 7 times depending on how bad I feel. Then phase 2 happens; the whatsapp messages come rolling in.
‘Hey, I am tired, another time?’
‘Hey, you called, is it urgent? I am watching tv.’
‘Hey, I saw a missed call, talk to you soon, ok?’
And there is usually someone who asks ‘Are you ok?’ Ofcourse by then, I lie that I’m fine.
I’m not trying to shame my friends, they know I love them and I know they have lifes. I’m not trying to get sympathy or something, I just wonder sometimes with all our ways to be connected how is it possible to feel so disconnected and alone. Somewhere between being chronically depressed (but mildly they tell me) and having Asthma and COPD I got trapped in my emotional realm.
Ofcourse there is my husband, but these days I just can’t handle seeing his pain on top of my pain. So I’m kinda stuck in limbo. I really.. really.. really hoped that this year I wouldn’t have to spend autumn and winter in limbo, but here I am.
Time to snuggle with my best friend on 4 hooves. Gotta love animals.