Be Warned

A personal blog about Persistent Depressive Disorder

I suck

I have asthma. This last week and this weekend specifically it was really bad. There are so many reasons why it was bad, there was only one reason I could control; I smoked a couple of cigarettes, but still. Like an idiot (without asthma) I smoked a cigarette.

The depressed part of me goes: ‘Yup, you suck, told ya! You’re useless, stupid and can’t even take care of yourself.’ And that was by far the nicest thing the depressed part of me said. So I’m redoing the whole quitting smoking and this time around I’m not going to fail. I’m going to remember how I felt this morning, like a grown man fell asleep on top of me. And it didn’t get better by getting up and walking around like it normally does. I had to ask my husband to grab my meds to make sure I was able to get out of bed.

I am not only failing me, I’m failing my family and I hate it. I shouldn’t need any motivation not to feel that crappy ever again if I can help it. Yet that’s not how addiction works so I told myself if I quit now and am still not smoking by the time my birthday comes around in June, I can buy a new iPad.

I am going to try to stay motivated to never smoke again. I’ve seen how bad this disease can get, my grandma had Asthma and some other lung problems. Relatively young her heart started to have issues, because it was working so hard to get the oxygen everywhere it needed to go. She lived to be 91, but it wouldn’t be what I would sign up for. She had a tough life the last 10 – 20 years.

My depression is at its worst right now. I’m doing everything I can to stay positive, but it’s hard. It’s something that is really hard to control, like a puppy who’s really happy. See what I did there? I could have said ‘diarrhea’, but I said happy puppy!
I can be allright at one moment and feel really sad the next moment. My husband saw it happen once and said very surprised: ‘What just happened? Why are you sad?’ That’s how it can be for me, it just knocks you over the back of the head and you have no idea what just happened or why.
Luckily the other way around happens too. You find a little happy in all of the darkness, not because of anything, but it’s just there.

So I’m going to try and take all those little moments of happiness and string them together. I’ll leave the darkness out and hope I’ll hold out until Spring is here. All the baby animals, the flowers and sunshine will totally help.


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