Be Warned

A personal blog about Persistent Depressive Disorder

Honesty

I started writing this blog to give mental health a little more publicity and people suffering from mental health issues a voice. I feel like I’ve not been doing a good job, because it’s been quiet again for a while. As you know I have more than one issue I’m dealing with, but I’ll try to give an update.

On the positive side of the scale:
– I quit smoking for real
– I changed my work hours so I have more full days off which gives me chances to sleep in.
– I meditate and do breathing exercises

On the not quite positive side of the scale:
– I quit / paused my therapy sessions
– I don’t do a lot of social things and volunteering I really want to do
– I keep being so very hard on myself

I spoke to a friend recently and she was trying to do it all; balance a career, a household, other responsibilities, mental health issues, friendships and so on. Even when she already knew she wouldn’t be able to do all she had scheduled that day, she would still expect herself to just manage and get frustrated when she couldn’t do it all. I recognise this kind of behaviour and I know a lot of women (and men!!) who do this.

I sent her this video of a lady who is honest as hell and doesn’t seem to take shit from anybody. On top of that has she dealt with her share of mental health issues.

If you don’t watch it, here is the idea. The nasty thing you tell yourself about not being enough, would you tell it to you when you where 10 years old? Would you tell that little girl or that little boy to stop being a failure! No. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

I do still stumble a lot. Like when people to tell you to listen to your body and don’t ignore your own boundaries. That’s all very nice, but nobody tells you what the fuck to do if listening to your body means never getting out of bed or off the couch. Especially when there is work or kids involved.

So tonight I’m on the couch and I’m hurting. Asthma has been bad all week and especially since 4 PM when I stopped for gas and the smell gave me an asthma attack. I’m nauseous, fatigued, sweaty, sore and so on. Maybe going to see and snuggle my horse today was worth it, maybe it was not. It’s entirely possible I would feel just as crappy if I had been on the couch or in bed all day.

Ofcourse my depression loves this, it’s ammunition for thoughts like;

I’m worthless.
I’m selfish and dumb.
I always do and say the wrong thing
Nothing I do is every good enough

and the most dangerous one of all

Everybody would just be better of without me.

I’ve only had a couple of really dark years where this last thought at times sounded pure and loudest. Luckily I never completely bought into it (this I’m guessing is the ‘mild’ part of my depression).

I’m sick in more ways than one and I don’t know how to break the cycle. So for now I just go through the motions of everyday life even if for me it feels like a constant fight to survive. It’s no coincidence I have ‘Survive’ tattooed on my wrist. I have it as a reminder to survive the moment, the crappy situation or the horrible day. Tomorrow might be better, so hold on. The tattoo also helps to remind me on good days not to take it for granted. You fought to get here. So here’s to another day of fighting and another day of surviving. Lets hope tomorrow will be better.

Love,
Suus

P.S. I’m here. However crappy I might feel, you can ALWAYS contact me if you feel like you want to talk. My digital and actual door is always open to anyone who is struggling. And really…. aren’t we all?

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