Be Warned

A personal blog about Persistent Depressive Disorder

Zombie

I have asthma, I have COPD and I have a tendency to panic attacks. All of these things are probably connected. The asthma makes me have to work a little harder for enough oxygen at times (I’m compensating), but when my asthma is not bothering me I forget I don’t have to compensate so I overcompensate. This results in chronic hyperventilation which sometimes goes in overdrive and gives you accute hyperventilation / panic attacks. So. Much. Fun.

Chronic hyperventilation is a sneaky little asshole. Accute hyperventilation it what you see on TV; the really fast breathing, being unable to catch your breath and breathing in a paper bag. Chronic hyperventilation is way more subtle, you can do it all day and not notice. You just feel crappy, tense and sometimes a little lightheaded throughout the day.

And of course I’ve been depressed as hell lately. People tell me I look good since I gained a little weight after I quit smoking. I’ve noticed that saying:

‘Cool, but I still feel like something a zombie hacked up’

is not a socially acceptable answer to people saying ‘You look good!’ My husband who is awesome and means really well told me to take a compliment, but it does not feel like a compliment. It feels like people are saying; you look ok, so be ok. And I’m not ok, not even a little bit.

So next time you see me, look me in the eye and tell me: ‘You look like shit!’ so I can say ‘That’s exactly how I feel!’

Ok, energy drained. Holiday is coming up so I’m hoping to find time for a little more profound writing.

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